When words fail, prayers still rise.

Sometimes life swings its brutal fist too many times. I've mentioned before that a friend was taken far too early in life and left behind a beautiful family. Vee, the heart and soul of that family, has unfairly had to face another time of pain. Please send prayers, good thoughts, peaceful vibes - whatever you can - for this family.

29 in 29 days

Purge. v.
Definition:

1.

a. To free from impurities; purify.

b. To remove (impurities and other elements) by or as if by cleansing.


I will be 29 in 29 days. It is time to purge. It is time to get ready to become 30. For some, turning 30 (or even approaching that age) is hard. For me, it is a milestone that I am not too scared of. I've always looked at 30 as an age when I will truly be a woman and it will only get better from then on out. For some reason, it is a magical number to me. But before all of this begins - before I can approach my "magical number" - things need to be purged. I can't explain this need to get rid of things, but I know it has a lot to do with me looking closely at my life lately.

I have felt very blessed in the last year. It is an odd sensation. I realized that I am very hard on myself. I tear myself down with small things. I don't build myself up and I hardly compliment myself. I feel as if I do those positive things, I am bragging - yet I have no problem being internally harsh. If I heard someone say the things I say to myself, I'd think them an awful, dark, negative person. This quote has stopped me in my tracks: you whisper the loudest in your own ear.

It is time to purge. It is a scary revelation. I need to purge things from my 20's. So, starting tomorrow, I'm walking down an unknown path and for some reason, I feel nauseously excited.

Growth

There are times when things around here seem to go by so fast. We're gearing up for a week long family vacation, so emotions are running high around here. When I put the boys down for their nap today, I knew something was brewing since Ferret climbed into Weasel's bed. Bad things happen when the sleep deprived come together. It wasn't too long before I had to remind them about not getting in trouble since I am busy packing. Apparently, my wonderful mothering technique failed and somehow (Weasel really doesn't know how) Ferret was struck and he started crying.

And here is where the bitter/sweet aspect of Mothering shows:

Through his tears Ferret stated, "He [Weasel] should be grounded if he keeps this up!".

What a mom hears: Punish my brother, but not right now or ever - because he is my brother and I love him.

Sweet


And from the top bunk came this:

"I feel so stupid when I do things like that".

What a mom hears: Frustration of growing up. Frustration of not being able to express feelings. Frustration...


As I climbed onto the top bunk to comfort a child (who at the moment felt so lost) I realized that now I am entering a time that is going to be most important for my babies to overcome - learning how to grow; and learning how to overcome bumps that can leave bruises.

Bitter

Pride

It is the eve of July 4th, and as I sit at the computer waiting for the Johnny Rottens to drift off to sleep, I can't help feel a bit of pride. Pride for my family members who help or who have helped protect our country. Pride for being part of a generation who is trying their best (and at times what may seem like our worst) to help our country move forward as the world changes pace so quickly. No matter our failures, the frustration over government parties fighting like children - I am proud to be a citizen of this country.

I know we aren't going to win a Miss Congeniality award anytime soon. I am not blind to the feelings people have of our country. I wish I could show people from other countries why I am proud. I wish I could put into words the feeling I have when I see our flag fly, or when I see a Veteran walk past in a parade. I wish I could explain why tears stream down my face when I sit with friends and watch fireworks or stand with fellow citizens and listen to someone soulfully sing The Star Spangled Banner. I wish I could explain to the men and woman who sit outside local stores to collect money for Veterans, that please, don't thank me, it is I who thank you. But I can't.

I can only sit here in our home, with the peaceful calm that settles around our house at dusk, and feel a heavy amount of pride. So, if you walk by and see a woman surrounded by two boys and a man, who has tears streaming down her face as fireworks explode above her, don't worry. It is only me.

And do me a favor, will you please? Have a beautiful 4th of July wherever you may call home.

Have

Today I watched the Father of my children, who is walking this journey in life with me and I couldn't help but think of the bumps, bruises, and joy we have experienced together.


We have made two beautiful miracles together
We have weathered the first scary and awesome months after having them.
We have taken turns holding each other through dark times.
We have argued.
We have supported each others dreams.
We have looked at each other over heads of puking children and knew we'd be next.
We have grown up together.
We have grown together.
We have experienced loss together.
We have experienced true happiness together.
We have learned together.
We have laughed together.
We have.


You have showed me love.
You have showed me joy.
You have showed me my weaknesses.
You have showed me my strengths.
You have showed me your weaknesses.
You have showed me your strengths.
You have showed our boys how to become men.
You have showed me laughter.
You have showed me the pains and joy of growth as a person.
You have showed me a side that no one else sees.
You have showed me how to forge ahead.
You have showed me how to do doughnuts in the snow.
You have showed me how to stop and breath.
You have.

I have been thankful for you since you entered my life.

Thank you.

Spring

It is SPRING! Yes, I know, it has been "officially" spring for a while now, but we finally have had warm weather, flowers are blooming, and two little boys smell like dirt and sweat. So with that, this is how I know Spring is here to stay:


10. I've fixed approximately 4,335 cuts and bumps in the last week. Okay, so maybe more like 4,094.


9. I'm killing spiders like it is a sport.


8. The Ferret has stolen borrowed two of my mixing bowls to make "wo-um farms".

7. I've realized how white, white legs can really be. Yikes.

6. The dog thinks chasing stray/horny cats is fun.

5. I smelled a skunk as soon as I walked out onto our porch one early morning and hightailed it back into the house because my luck I'd interrupt his nap on the porch.

4. I'm at the end of the week before finals and I'm doing everything in my power to NOT study. I'm brilliant at being evasive.

3. Mr. Helpful is biting at the bit to get his Volkswagen ready to drive.

2. Weasel fell out of a tree.

1. I'm looking forward to the smell of dead fish wafting off a certain large lake
near by.

A blessing

Seven years ago today, I was laying in a hospital bed exhausted, crying out of joy, and completely freaked out. We were the proud (leased up to 18yrs old) owners of an 8lb 3oz sleeping bundle of squishy - yet cute - baby boy. Mr. Helpful and I stared at him, at the ceiling, and then at each other as we realized that we just entered a foreign land of nursing and no sleep. A land that was now ruled by a sleeping dictator who would (non-too-gently) teach us patience, the true meaning of sacrifice, love, and the joy of watching someone who we could only create, navigate a huge world.

Weasel was born and we could not have asked for a more perfect child to be ours.

Mr. Helpful

Crap.


For a split second I thought I just shouldn't say I was indeed who Mr.Helpful thought I was. I mean, the guy didn't even know my name. Right? But how do you do that to a stranger who gets you coffee on a dreary winter's day. So, with every intention of holding a small conversation, I turned and unknowingly faced the one person who would end up saving me from one of the darkest most lonely times of my life. And when I faced Mr.Helpful, I knew exactly who he was. Actually, I knew about him and had briefly met him before, but so briefly I only remembered his name and that he seemed nice.

My first impression was right. Mr.Helpful was nice - so nice in fact that before I even knew what was happening, we were laughing over an odd small town story in the newspaper and hours had breezed by us. And before I really, really knew what was happening, Mr.Helpful and I had come to a point where we were just talking, but it was obvious neither of us wanted to leave. And then came the words I unknowingly didn't want to hear: "I've got to go." Which were followed closely by, "What are you doing today?".

Coffee

There is something almost ritualistic about making coffee. One step rushed or forgotten, one scoop too heavy or light, and nothing is the same. When I was younger and kid-less, I would start my day off with a smoke and a cup of coffee. There was something comforting in waking up with the silence of the morning and just being. My mornings now are filled with the noise of boys playing legos and all of us heading off to school, but I cherish the days that J leaves a fresh cup of coffee for me before he fills his Thermos for work.

J and I actually started our path together over a cup of coffee in a greasy spoon joint. I had come to a point in my life where things were not working the way they should. I had lost my place to stay the day before J and I ran into each other. I spent the night at my cousin's place, and instead of going to church with them, I decided to go for a drive. It was cold and gray outside with a nasty mix of rain and snow spitting from the sky. I remember feeling so lost that day. I had strayed from who I wanted to be, and no one seemed close. I was deep in the middle of a poor me moment, when I decided I'd go see a friend at her work. I looked horrible. My eyes showed signs of crying through the night, I slept in my clothes, and I had to leave where I was staying quickly, so there was no thought of a toothbrush. I was (as my 19yr old self would have said) "looking pretty hit". Shell (my friend) worked at an old restaurant in town, so I figured I'd have a cup of coffee, continue to feel sorry for myself, and figure out how in the world I could get a shower and my stuff. But, there were other plans set in motion that day that would change my life forever.

As I walked in, I saw a guy sitting to the right of the counter. I made sure I went to the left - far to the left. Shell came by to see me and promised to come back to grab me a cup of coffee. As she walked away, I heard a voice from my right say, "I'll get one for you." "Crap" I thought, "Crappity crap". Out of all days, I have to run into someone helpful. But he spoke of coffee. How could I resist? Mr. Helpful was walking around the counter at this point.
"I'm a regular, so I just grab my own coffee. Want me to get some for you?"

I was able to muster out a "Sure. Thanks" all the while freaking out inside because this meant I had to face Mr. Helpful. And *I* looked worn - which didn't mean I was interested in what Mr.Helpful thought of me, but you see, in my poor me moment, I forgot one of my major rules in life: Never leave the house looking bad because it will be at that point, you run into someone you know or be in a position where you should look at least half way put together. A recurring image of my grandmother as she stood looking in a mirror by her dining room table making sure her lipstick was perfect and her hair done before she left to go anywhere invaded my brain.

"Cream?"

"Uh..."

*oh my goodness..at least LOOK at the man*

"Yes.Thanks."

I thought I was in the clear as he walked back to his stool until he said, "You're Dana's sister, right?"

Crap.

And another thing...

So I couldn't help but post twice in one day. Plus, I get to share a really cool site that helps inspire others with beauty and spiritual nourishment.

The gals at Wild Olive are having a giveaway until March 1st. All you have to do to win one of their very cool hoodies is: "Like" them on Facebook, post about their giveaway on your blog, or follow them on Twitter.

Check out their other merchandise while you at their site. Who can resist a cute shirt?

Howdy

I wish I had something witty to write you. Some big adventure to tell you about that has kept me away from my blog. Some reason besides Facebook stalking that has sucked all my free time. The truth is, right before I went to come back to blog, life threw huge curve balls that sucked all the words out of me.

The truth is...I was forced to look at life from an angle that sucked. A friend, a young, young, friend was taken abruptly away from his beautiful family. J's grandmother was re-diagnosed with cancer (this time in her brain) and even though we had minimal contact with her, it sucked to watch her life fade. I watched an Aunt lose her father and mother within months of each other. They were role models for anyone, and were part of my good memories when I was little. Then another soul I know (a choir director from my high school) was whisked away entirely too early. 5 deaths all within 6-8 months of each other. 5 deaths that have had me on my knees more than anything in my life.

So I am slowly coming out of a weird, empty spot in my life. I hug J more. I cherish the warmth of my babies as they climb into bed with us. I complain less about small things. And I thank God for the life he has blessed me with. I've changed, yet I don't know where those changes will bring me.

On a much lighter note: We are doing pretty darn well. Weasel will be 7 next month, and Ferret is growing like a weed.