Stripped bare

I always lived life before on a complete whim. I never took responsibility serious. I never truly worried about things. If I didn't have a job, I walked into a place that was hiring and got it. To say I was free isn't true. I was weighted down by a feeling of emptiness. What I had was good, but knowing that it wasn't the best was always in the back of my mind. If anything, I ran from that feeling. I ran from looking at myself deeply. I ran from the quiet introspective that comes as night slips in. At times memories are vague, not because I can't remember them, but because I never really was living the moment in them. It is like telling a story about someone else. You know some details, but nothing concrete.

Now it is completely different. I have almost daily documentation showing what I have. I have a husband who grounds me when I need it, and who helps me fly when necessary. I have friends that I cherish and make plans to see even when we all know they might not happen. I take time to stop when the trees seem greener than they ever have. I stop and listen as my children squeal with joy because they see the purity of what is around them. At times the energy in our house is almost tangible.

We are on a new path today. J didn't get the job he applied for. As I laid on the bed thinking about what we were going to do, I heard our boys laughing. I heard birds singing. I heard reminders of life. It is so easy for me to slip into the mind set that I used to have. It would be so easy for me to just pull back and not live in this moment of our life. I refuse to do that. I did it for most of my life and I can't climb back down into that hole. Even now as I write this, I have to fight off negative thoughts. What about winter coming? What will we do if J can't find a job? Will our boys be unhappy? They are poison to my soul.

So, what do I plan on doing? I plan on closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, and pushing myself back from that hole. We're on a journey together. We have two paths in front of us right now. Both will probably lead to the same end, but only we can choose the means of how to get to that end.